


how to not fall in love: a failed guide

by dreamiesficfest, timelessidyll



Series: Dear Dream - Dreamies Fic Fest (Second Wave) [19]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Insecurities, M/M, getting to know each other (again), they play super smash bros ultimate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 14:53:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18606778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamiesficfest/pseuds/dreamiesficfest, https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelessidyll/pseuds/timelessidyll
Summary: Prompt Number: #DD092Huang Renjun wouldn't describe himself as an idiot. Jaemin and Donghyuck, on the other hand, would be very quick to describe him as exactly that. (Maybe they're right, although Renjun would never say that to their faces. After all, who in their right mind would develop an unrequited crush on unattainable Zhong Chenle?)





	how to not fall in love: a failed guide

**Author's Note:**

> Notes from the Author:  
> I HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY THIS FIC BC RENLE ARE SUPER DEAR TO MY HEART AND I WAS SO HAPPY TO WRITE FOR

STEP 1: FRIENDZONE HIM

 

There’s one thing in the whole world that Huang Renjun is awful at. Jaemin laughs at him for it, and Jeno makes somewhat pitiful attempts to reassure him that he’s not that bad, but Renjun knows. He knows that only absolute fools go and fall for the trainee they’d practically raised on their back.

 

When he puts it like that, it sounds weird. But in all honesty, it’s stupid to fall in love with the one person who he’d practically led through life in Korea by the hand. After all, after Zhong Chenle had figured out the ins and outs of Korea, he’d immediately drifted off and made seventeen million new friends.

 

It’s not a big deal, he thinks blandly during one of their dance practices. It’s not like the way Chenle is always hanging off of the other members is making him jealous. Definitely not, especially when he had Jaemin and Jeno to annoy. Sometimes he got adventurous and victimized Jisung too.

 

It’s not a big deal, he thinks blandly when Chenle insists on taking a selca with almost everyone except him – even people he rarely interacts with, like Jaehyun. Not that he has anything against him, but it stings a little when Renjun remembers it in the middle of the mind during a fit of insomnia.

 

It’s not a big deal because, in some respects, it’s his own fault. He’d been too intent when Chenle was first introduced as a trainee, taken too quickly to him. It must have driven him away, he decides on one of his sleepless nights, when he’s curled up in his bed, cold and alone, and feels a little more pity for himself than usual.

 

It’s only natural that he decides to hold Chenle at arms-length. Donghyuck and Jaemin don’t agree with his sentiment.

 

“You can’t expect anything to change if you keep acting cold to him,” Jaemin says accusingly, shoveling another bundle of noodles into his mouth. Jeno berates him lightly for taking such huge bites but doesn’t add to his discussion.

 

“For once, I think Jaemin has a point,” Donghyuck adds, sticking out a tongue petulantly at the youngest of the four when he begins to protest. “Don’t talk with your mouth full, it’s rude.” Jaemin huffs and slumps closer to Jeno.

 

“Well, there’s no fixing it now,” he says dully, pushing his noodles around in their soup. He picks up a piece of chicken and chews it slowly. “Chenle probably thinks he annoys me or something, and so he doesn’t even bother anymore.” Donghyuck pats his shoulder in what might have been meant as a comforting gesture but only comes off as awkward and unsure. Renjun brushes it off with a sigh.

 

“It’s fine. Chenle’s allowed to have favorites.” Even if I’m not one of them, goes unsaid in his thoughts, but he thinks everyone picks up on it.

 

“You know what I think?” Jeno asks, leaning forward on his elbows and resting his chin on one palm. “Well, I don’t care if you want to know or not,” he snarks, “because I’m telling you anyway. I think you don’t want to allow yourself any hope because you’ve dug your hole too deep to even imagine jumping out of.”

 

Renjun stares at him, expressionless. “What is this, a psycho-analysis?” He forcefully stabs another piece of chicken. “I’m not afraid of giving myself hope, I just don’t think there’s any hope to have.” He stares at the golden brown soup of his noodles and unconsciously lets his shoulders slump. “Have you even seen the way he looks at Jisung?”

 

“Like a very good friend?” Renjun groans exasperatedly.

 

“No, Jeno, like he could light up the world with his smile.” His voice tapers toward a more miserable tone as he continues. “God, I couldn’t compete with that even if I wanted to.”

 

“Who are you kidding, Injunnie?” Jaemin interjects. “You can dance just as well as Jisung, and we all know what your voice can do.”

 

“I focus on ballet and contemporary, Jaemin. Jisung is on a completely different level.”

 

“And do you know how much more work it takes to learn ballet, Renjun? God, you better. You’re not killing your feet and legs for nothing,” Donghyuck argues, lifting a bite of noodles to his mouth halfway through his sentence and making Jaemin narrow his eyes.

 

“I thought you said talking with your mouth full is rude,” he accuses, pushing at Donghyuck’s shoulder from across the table. “You’re so annoying.”

 

“Hey, watch it! I’m still fragile!”

 

“It was your legs that got hurt, not your arms! Stop being so dramatic!”

 

Jeno turns to him as the other two continue their bickering and gives a gentle stare. “You know it’s not helping you to stay quiet about this.”

 

“There’s nothing I can do, Jeno. I’ve already made it clear in the past two years that we’re strictly acquaintances.” He tries not to sound too bitter about it. He probably didn’t succeed judging by the look that crosses Jeno’s face. “No, don’t try to give me a lecture about how I’m treating myself poorly or whatever. It’s just better this way. I should leave him alone because it’s clear that he’s getting plenty of company with Jisung.”

 

Jeno shrugs. “If that’s what you think is best, I’m not going to argue with you.” He looks back at Donghyuck and Jaemin, who seem to have calmed down from their brief quarrel and are tuning back into the conversation. “They will, though.”

 

“What will we do?” they ask in unison, then glaring at each other. So not all of their hurt feelings have smoothed over, Renjun thinks absently.

 

“Don’t worry about it,” he dismisses. He returns to eating his noodles in silence, thinking about everything and nothing at all, and everyone else slowly returns to their meals as well. But Renjun feels their eyes on him throughout the rest of the night, and he supposes it’s with good reason. He’s not exactly known for handling his emotions well, and this is no exception.

 

STEP 2: FAIL STEP 1

STEP 3: ATTEMPT TO GET CLOSER TO HIM

 

The problem with friendzoning Chenle is that the person it hurts most, at least to his knowledge, is himself. He has to stop himself from seeking Chenle out everywhere, especially when Jaemin leaves for his “My English Puberty” filming and Jeno is filming for The Show. That, coupled with Mark’s graduation and Donghyuck’s injury confining him to house rest, means that it’s just him, Chenle, and Jisung. Obviously, he doesn’t want to spend any more time around ChenJi, as he heard the duo named themselves, than necessary. So even though it makes him seem like a recluse, he spends most of his time in his room when he’s not practicing, working out, or having vocal lessons. The lavender smell of his room gets stronger with each passing day as he lets the flowery scent of his shampoo fill it.

 

Through the grapevine of Mark and Donghyuck, Sicheng finds out about his poor habit all too quickly. He didn’t even get a week of solitude.

 

“What’s this I heard about your self-imposed hermitage,” Sicheng snaps in angry Mandarin, with some unintelligible curses in Wenzhounese. Renjun wishes he’d teach him some of it if only to be able to curse at Jaemin without his understanding. But in the moment, he winces at Sicheng’s tone.

 

“Sorry, Sicheng-gē,” he answers meekly, also in Mandarin. “But Chenle and Jisung are the only ones left in the dorm, and you know how I’m not very close to them.” Sicheng hums, unconvinced by his defense.

 

“I think you’re a coward, but whatever helps you sleep at night.” Renjun decides to hold back the information that this was one of the reasons he couldn’t sleep at night. It would only support Sicheng’s point. “Just talk to them. They’re your group members after all.”

 

“Like that’s so easy, Mister I-Despise-Everyone,” Renjun responds sarcastically, sliding down in his chair. “It took you three weeks to even talk to the new trainees.”

 

“That’s because I was busy with schedules! I barely had time to talk to them!” After Sicheng’s indignant reply, a new voice joins the background of his call, although Renjun can’t hear him clearly.

 

“Yeah, do you want to talk to him?” he hears Sicheng ask, and then he addresses Renjun and says, “Kun-gē wants to talk to you.” He stiffens and straightens in his seat again.

 

“Now?”

 

“Yes. Hello, Renjun,” Kun’s voice answers, and Renjun stifles a groan with thinly pressed lips.

 

“Hello, Kun-gē. How are you? Has WeiShen V been doing well in China?”

 

“I’ve been well, and I think we’re doing well. Certainly better than I expected.”

 

“That’s good, I was worried about you guys. How’s Yangyang?”

 

“Adapting pretty well, I’d say. His Mandarin isn’t awful, and the constant exposure means he’s picking things up quickly.” As Renjun prepares to ask more questions, Kun interrupts and carries on. “You know I’d love to chit-chat more, but I want to know more about this whole avoiding Chenle and Jisung business.”

 

Renjun gapes like a fish for a solid three seconds before he manages to sputter out a response. “Where did you hear that from?”

 

“Donghyuck and Yangyang seem to be very good friends, and I overheard Sicheng yelling at you about when you answered the phone.”

 

“Sorry, JunJun, you know the walls are all thin as paper.”

 

Renjun curses softly under his breath, hoping that Kun doesn’t know any of the Korean curses that slip out. “Listen, Kun-gē, it’s not a big deal. They’re just not members I’m as close to so I avoid being around them one-on-one.”

 

“Did something happen between you and Chenle? You used to be close.” Renjun could almost hear the frown in Kun’s voice.

 

“Gē, we were only close because he needed a translator at the beginning. After that, there wasn’t any need to latch on to me, and we made our separate friendships.” He tries not to sound too bitter about the situation, but he was sure he was failing miserably. Before anyone else could get a word in, a loud crash came from outside where Jisung and Chenle were and Renjun’s head shot up to look at the door. “I have to go Kun-gē, I’ll try to talk to you later.” Without waiting for a response, he cuts the call and hurries to run to the living room of the dorm.

 

Jisung looks up immediately when he hears Renjun enter. “Hyung! Chenle knocked over a vase!”

 

“Hey! It’s your fault too, you weren’t watching where you were going. It’s ok, gē, we can handle it.” Chenle doesn’t look at Renjun as he says this, and somehow it makes him all the wearier.

 

“No, it’s ok, I’ll clean this up for you guys. No one’s hurt, right?”

 

“We didn’t step on any of the shards and we didn’t get hit. But gē it’s fine, it was my fault so I should have to be the one to clean it up.”

 

Renjun stares at him blankly for a few seconds, remembering what Kun had said about being close – once upon a time, at least. Maybe he should put more effort into their friendship. “If you want to help you can, but I won’t accept you doing all the work on your own. You’re clumsy enough that you might get yourself hurt for real,” he tries to say in a teasing voice, which has more of an effect on Jisung than Chenle. But even as Jisung giggles maniacally behind him, Chenle cracks a small smile, so he’ll consider that a win for now.

 

“Hyung, you’ve been holed up in your room for ages now. Any particular reason for sulking?”

 

Renjun snorts as he shuffles around and tries to collect all cleaning supplies he’ll need. “Nah, I just didn’t want to deal with toddlers. I was talking to Sicheng-gē.”

 

“No fair!” Chenle whines. “I wanted to talk to Kun-gē!”

 

“Then call him?”

 

“Do you know how much international calls cost, gē? Why would I do it myself if I can have someone else take it?” Renjun rolls his eyes playfully.

 

“Stingy,” is all he responds with, handing Chenle a big broom and crouching to brush the smaller pieces of glass into a dustpan.

 

“Lele, ask him!”

 

“What? No, it was your idea, you ask him!”

 

“You’re closer to hyung, Lele. Please?” Steadfastly keeping his eyes on the glass he’s trying to sweep up, Renjun pretends not to hear the conversation currently taking place between the two youngest members and attributes it to some childish scheme they’d developed between themselves.

 

“Ugh, why do you have to make that face?”

 

“I don’t know what face you’re talking about.”

 

Dramatically, Chenle huffs and says, “Ok, fine! I’ll ask him, just stop with that face!” He finally gives in to his curiosity and glances up to see Chenle glaring at Jisung while the latter looks especially smug and triumphant.

 

“Renjun-gē,” Chenle begins, the glare melting off his face into something more hesitant. “Do you want to play Super Smash Bros with us? Jisung and I were playing earlier, but it’s less fun with only two players.” Renjun has to blink twice before he processes the question and then takes another few seconds to figure out why they were asking him.

 

“Are you sure you want me to play?” he checks, eyebrows pinched together in confusion.

 

“It’s been forever since we’ve hung out, hyung!” Jisung chimes in, and Renjun can’t help the smile that crosses his face at his tone.

 

“It may have been forever to you, Jisung-ah, but you’re still the same whiny brat,” he teases, enjoying the affronted expression on Jisung’s face. Chenle laughter rings brightly throughout the room, and Renjun feels himself ease into the atmosphere more readily. “Sure, I’ll play with you. Get ready to hate me, though, because I’ve never played Super Smash Bros.” Jisung gasps, whether because he’s insulted or shocked, Renjun can’t tell.

 

“This is awful, hyung, we have to get you to the console now!” With more than a little fuss as Renjun insisted on finishing cleaning up and Jisung insisted on starting the tutorial for Smash – broken up only by Chenle’s compromise that he’ll finish cleaning up while Renjun gets situated –  Renjun finds himself sitting squarely in the corner of the three-seater while Jisung tries to teach him the controls.

 

“So since we have a Switch console, the controllers are smaller and you might have a little trouble getting used to them at first. Basic stuff is the up and left buttons are to jump, the right button is to attack, and the down button is to use your special, which is different for each character, so you’ll just have to figure that one out.”

 

Renjun analyzes the controller and tries to memorize what Jisung had just told him. “What are the buttons on the sides?”

 

“Oh, the top left is to grab and top right is to shield. Don’t worry about the bottom left, it’s for when you have the full switch controller.”

 

“Are you ready, gē?” Chenle asks, plopping into the space between Renjun and Jisung. “All the glass is cleaned up and I threw the flowers away.”

 

“I don’t think Jisung-ah told me everything I need to know, but I won’t remember it anyway, so let’s just play.”

 

“I call Chrom!”

 

“Shut up, Sungie! You know the rule, you can only have the character if you’re fast enough to click on them.” Jisung pouts childishly and whines about how unfair Chenle is being while Renjun is still trying to figure out how his controls will let him pick a character.

 

“Who should I pick?” he says to Chenle quietly, hoping that he can avoid Jisung’s continued tirade of his inexperience with Smash.

 

“I’d say try and get Marth or Lucina. They’re pretty much the same character, and since Jisung’s gonna want Chrom and I usually pick Pichu, you should be able to take your time and choose,” Chenle whispers back, smiling cheekily.

 

“Then what was all that about fighting for the character?”

 

“Oh, I just can’t let Sungie get his way all the time. Sometimes he has to work for it, you know?” Renjun laughs quietly at Chenle’s reasoning, but he doesn’t argue with it, and when the character selection screen pops up, he quietly searches for Marth and Lucina. Chenle and Jisung had already rushed to select their picks, and since Renjun didn’t want to delay the game even more, he picks the first one he finds, which happens to be Lucina.

 

“Oh, good choice. Lucina is Marth’s echo, so she has the same skill set while also having an easier attack control.” None of Jisung’s gamer jargon made any sense to Renjun, so he chooses to ignore it and instead watches Chenle flip through the battleground options.

 

“Can we choose something not so difficult for my first game? I don’t feel like throwing myself into the Rainbow Road of Smash so soon.”

 

“The Living Room stage is pretty straight forward,” Jisung suggests, and although Chenle makes a face at it, he searches for the stage and selects it. “The only thing to watch out for is that block sometimes fall from the ceiling and stack on each other.”

 

“I think I can handle some falling blocks,” Renjun says, only the slightest waver to the confidence in his voice.

 

“Good, cause the battle is starting.”

 

It turns out that Renjun didn’t have to worry about the blocks at all. He manages to fall off the map three times before anyone can land a hit on him, and after that absolute disaster, he’s repeatedly torrented by attacks from both Chenle and Jisung, who cackle evilly every time Marth gets KO’ed. Renjun complains endlessly about the harsh treatment, but he admits to himself that this was the most fun he’d had since Jaemin’s chance encounter with salted coffee on April Fool’s. They get through more rounds than Renjun can count on his hands, but he doesn’t particularly mind the amount of time that had passed.

 

Slowly, Jisung’s attacks lose their speed, and when his character stops moving entirely, Renjun and Chenle realize he’d nodded off without them realizing it. Without a word, Chenle pauses their round and stands with a huff.

 

“Gē, could you help me pick him up? You take his legs and I’ll grab his shoulders.”

 

Renjun frowns at the idea and tilts his head questioningly. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? What if he wakes up or gets hurt?”

 

“Ah, you’ve always been a worrywart, gē. I’ve done this before, and as long as you don’t lose your grip and drop him, Sungie will sleep like a rock.” Chenle lifts Jisung up to slip his arms under his armpits and looks at Renjun expectantly. He thinks about it for only a minute longer, decides that he’s not enough of an adult to care despite being officially 20, and tries to get a secure hold on Jisung’s legs.

 

“On the count of three?” Chenle nods affirmingly, and Renjun counts to three before hefting Jisung fully off the couch. “Oh jeez, he’s heavy. How far is it to the room?”

 

“We have to maneuver around the couch and get down the hall, so maybe two minutes of shuffling.” A sudden thought dawns on Renjun, and he turns around to try and see the door to Jisung and Chenle’s room. “Is your door even open?” Chenle’s face crumples in concentration, and he groans.

 

“I don’t think it is,” he sighs. “I guess we’ll just have to let him get comfortable on the couch.” Renjun shrugs noncommittally and sets Jisung’s legs down again.

 

“I’ll go get some pillows and a blanket,” he offers, and Chenle smiles thankfully at him as he tries to arrange Jisung on the couch so he would wake up with minimal aches. When he returns with a fluffy pillow and light blanket in his hand, Chenle’s face brightens more, and he takes the pillow from the top of the pile in Renjun’s arms to tuck under Jisung’s head while the elder smoothens the blanket over him. They clean up the living room and turn off the TV, and then sit down to have a quick meal of warmed leftovers from when Mark had brought the rest of 127 and they had a cooking competition to see if Johnny really was a better cook than Taeyong.

 

“Hey, gē,” Chenle starts, and Renjun tried not to look too excited by the fact that Chenle is actually talking to him, one-on-one, with no one else to facilitate the conversation. “Thanks for playing with us today. It’s been a while since you’ve done that.” He stares at his leftovers and picks at them mindlessly the whole time, but Renjun’s heart doesn’t care and starts to race for no reason other than he was having a real, unstilted conversation with Chenle.

 

“Why wouldn’t I? You’re right, I haven’t been doing a very good job of being your gē, huh?” He smiles a little self-deprecatingly and brushes off Chenle’s sudden concerned look. “I’ll try to do better for you, Lele.” In the low light, he must have imagined Chenle’s ears turn red.

 

STEP 4: GET HURT AND PUT DISTANCE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU AGAIN

STEP 5: FAIL STEP 4 BECAUSE THE PERSON YOU’RE TRYING TO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH IS A DUMBASS WHO CAN’T TAKE A HINT

 

All in all, Renjun knows he’s a god damn fool at a metaphysical level, but even he didn’t think he’d stoop this low. No, he thought he was better than some petty rivalry. Apparently, Park Jisung was out to prove him wrong.

 

“Lele, look! I can balance three books on my head!”

 

“That’s nothing, I can balance five on my head and walk at the same time!”

 

“Oh yeah? Do you want to test that?”

 

Renjun pinches the bridge of his nose and resists the urge to snap at the self-labeled ChenJi duo. “You guys can not dare each other to walk around while balancing books on your head. Mark may not be here to chew you out, but I sure as hell am.” ChenJi throw him a wounded look in unison, and although Chenle’s pout is endearing, he can’t help but be irritated by Jisung. “No, don’t give me that look. Something will go wrong and we’ll have a repeat of the vase incident last month.” They take his admonishment with minimal grumbling and decide to leave the room and find something else to do.

 

“You should stop being so harsh on them,” Jeno says, a frown on his face as he watches the two youngest. “It’s not a big deal.”

 

“Jeno-ah, they’re almost adults. They can stand to learn some maturity.”

 

“Hyung, you almost fought Hyuck yesterday because of a lollipop, so I don’t exactly think you’re the pinnacle of maturity either.” Jeno’s searching eyes catch his, and after less than a few seconds, Renjun has to look away.

 

“Maybe I’m being a little harsh,” he mutters under his breath, sighing. “But I’m just so strung up.”

 

“About what, dearest Injunnie?” Jaemin asked, sneaking up behind him. Renjun didn’t even flinch at the surprise and only deigned to give Jaemin a withering glare.

 

“Let me guess,” Donghyuck piped up, sticking his head over the couch. “Chenle’s ignoring you, isn’t he?”

 

“Say it a little louder,” he retorts sarcastically, “I don’t think he heard you.”

 

Donghyuck takes it as an invitation to actually speak louder, and Renjun runs to him and covers his mouth before he can even begin to yell. “No, you dumbass! It wasn’t literal!” He rips his hand away only a moment later when he feels Donghyuck’s tongue on the palm of his hand, and he pulls his hand away disgustedly.

 

“You should really know by now that I can and will take everything literally,” Donghyuck replies primly once he can speak again, lifting an eyebrow at Renjun like his situation is his own damn fault. Which, for once, it’s not.

 

Maybe it is, but he likes to think he’s not that petty.

 

“Can you stop assuming any time I’m grumpy it’s because I went another day without Chenle’s attention?”

 

“But it’s true,” Jaemin says, stepping in for Donghyuck to bully Renjun some more. “Your happiness at any given moment has a direct correlation to Chenle’s attention toward you.”

 

Renjun groans and refuses to answer, glaring one more time at the people he’s been left to deal with and stalking off. He doesn’t know where he’s planning on going, only that he should be as far away from his friends as possible because otherwise he wouldn’t get a break from their teasing. It’s this mindless direction that leads him straight into Chenle – literally, and both of them fall down.

 

Renjun sits stunned for a moment, but eventually he realizes he should ask Chenle if he’s alright.

 

“I’m fine, gē. Sorry, I should’ve watched where I was going.”

 

“I was just as lost in my thoughts, don’t worry about it.” He gets up and brushes imaginary dust off of himself and offers a hand to Chenle. “Penny for your thoughts?”

 

Chenle takes his hand and whispers a soft “oof” before responding. “Oh, I just wanted to go see if I could find a gift for Jeno. I thought that since his birthday is coming up soon, it’ll be a good idea to start now.”

 

“Ah, I see. Are you going out with manager-ssi?”

 

“Actually, could you come with me instead, gē?” Chenle shuffles his feet uncertainly and Renjun blinks, somewhat surprised by his question. “I don’t want to go through the effort of finding manager-ssi, and you know we’re allowed to go out in groups of two if we let security know.”

 

“Are you sure you want to go with me?” he asks carefully. There’s no doubt that his heartbeat is off the charts with the excitement coursing through him, but he doesn’t want to get his hopes too high.

 

“Why not, gē? You know Jeno-hyung pretty well, and if I take Jaemin-hyung along, he’s gonna be too picky about my gift. Hyuck-hyung is on house arrest too, so you’re the best choice for this.” Chenle puts on his puppy face and pouts at Renjun, light brown hair falling lightly into his eyes, and pleads with his eyes for Renjun to agree.

 

Obviously, he does, because what monster denies Chenle when he uses his puppy face?

 

Which is how he ends up in a random store looking at bracelets and watches with Chenle, partially because he was too occupied by Chenle’s hand wrapped around his wrist and warming his cold skin to pay attention and also because he’d already bought Jeno his gift.

 

“Gē, look at this one. Does hyung like black accents?” Renjun snorts softly.

 

“Have you even seen his recent aesthetic? Jeno-ah will think he’s the coolest person if the room if you get him a black accented watch.”

 

“Oh, but what if I get him a matching bracelet set?” Chenle muses, moving on from watches to look at the jewelry. Renjun mood sours slightly and his responding tone is a little curter.

 

“He’d like that too, I guess. You know how much of a sap he is.” He tries to force his shoulders to release their tension and relax his hands, but his face still has a slight frown on it. Chenle doesn’t notice the change in his demeanor and grabs his upper arm to pull him out of the store.

 

“I have a better place in mind,” he explains as he drags Renjun to a store across the mall.

 

“We have an hour before your curfew,” Renjun reminds him tiredly, dropping his frown for a look of exasperation. “We need to finish in the next thirty minutes so we can get back to the dorm.”

 

Chenle laughs breezily and gives Renjun a blinding smile. “Don’t be such a worrywart, gē, we’ll be fine.”

 

Exactly forty-five minutes later, Renjun finds himself sprinting down the streets of Seoul with one hand clutching Chenle’s hand as he breathlessly berates him.

 

“I told you,” he screeches, both to overcome the muffle caused by his face mask and so Chenle could hear him over the squealing of train wheels as they catch the subway to drop them off closer to their dorm room. “I told you we would be late! But no, of course you can’t speed up even a minute!” He’s halfway to hyperventilating in front of a group of strangers, but as the train keeps pulling itself to a stop, Chenle shakes his hand out of Renjun’s hold and grabs the sides of Renjun’s face.

 

“Stop freaking out for two seconds, Renjun-gē,” Chenle says firmly, and the train screams as it stops. “We’re a few minutes from our stop and the dorm. I have Jeno’s gift. Manager-ssi won’t yell at you, and everything is going to be fine.” Renjun’s face felt slightly squashed together, but he doesn’t particularly mind. Chenle’s hands are so warm, he thinks absently. The train doors open and people start coming out.

 

“Ok.”

 

“Ok?” Chenle frowns at him, surprised by his easy agreement.

 

“Yeah. It’ll be fine. Unless, of course, we don’t get on the train right now.” Chenle’s head whips over to the train doors and curses in Mandarin, and they rush to the doors and slip through just before they beep and start closing. Renjun laughs, partly relieved and partly exhausted, before collapsing on the nearest open seat. “Sorry Lele, you’ll have to figure out your seating alone.”

 

“It’s fine, gē, I’ll just stand near you.” He grabs a handle from the ceiling and stares at Renjun blankly. Renjun squirms the slightest bit in his seat.

 

“Is my hair messed up? I knew I should’ve worn a hat,” he mutters, shaking his head and ruffling his hair with his hands to try and fix it.

 

“No, your hair is fine, don’t worry. I just wanted to stare for a bit.” Renjun wills himself not to flush and thanks his face mask for covering up most of his cheeks. Instead, he raises an eyebrow at the younger.

 

“Uh huh. I bet there’s something in my hair then.” Chenle giggles as he dramatically runs his hands through his hair over and over, each time shaking it so that whatever imaginary thing hidden in it will fall out. He smiles secretively and stands up. “Come on, our stop is almost here.”

 

Chenle clears his throat and dims his smile a little. “Lead the way, gē.”

 

STEP 6: CRY OVER YOUR OWN INABILITY TO PROPERLY LOVE ANYONE

STEP 7: CONFESS TO HIM AND MAKE EVERYTHING EXTREMELY AWKWARD

 

It’s kind of pathetic how he’s cooped up in his room and regretting his life. It’s kind of pathetic because his day had been going absolutely fantastic and he had no reason to be upset, but obviously something had ticked him off, and now he was staring at the ceiling and struggling to hold back tears.

 

He’d woken up feeling alright. Admittedly, his sleep had felt a little hollow, and if he had gone to bed later than everyone else, it didn’t really matter. But there weren’t any headaches or sharp pains, only the dull throb in his legs that never quite went away, so he counted it as feeling okay.

 

Breakfast had been nice. Jaemin had been in a good mood and cooked everyone breakfast, and even though it was a smaller course than what Renjun had come to expect as part of Korean breakfasts, the rice, stew, and kimchi all filled him with a certain warmth that had him happier once he finished.

 

Practice was fine, and lunch was almost fine, and everything was great until he saw Jisung wipe away a piece of rice stuck just to the side of Chenle’s mouth. It shouldn’t mean anything to him and yet he’s torn. He drifts through the rest of practice listlessly, responding to everyone with the shortest sentences possible. The only thought he has is getting to a place where he doesn’t have Jisung and Chenle’s easy friendship constantly shoved in his face.

 

So that’s how he’s staring at his ceiling and hating everything about himself. He finds himself so damn pathetic – who feels like having a breakdown over someone else’s friendship? But maybe it’s not the friendship itself. Maybe it’s the love in the friendship. Maybe he wants to be able to love someone freely instead of holding all his cards to his chest and only playing the right one for the moment. Maybe he wants to be able to be affectionate with someone without second-guessing if they will accept it from him, maybe he just wants to be able to love someone without feeling like he’s weighed down by his own anxieties.

 

A knock sounds from outside and Renjun ignores it.

 

“Junnie?” It’s Jaemin, which makes him want to ignore him more. “Junnie, you’ve been acting kind of weird all day.” He knows that if he says anything to acknowledge Jaemin, he’ll become even more persistent, and talking to Jaemin about his disgusting feelings of all things was the last thing he wanted to do in any respect. “If you don’t come out, I won’t make you beef stew,” he sings in a last desperate attempt to lure Renjun out, but when he’s only given more silence, he sighs. “Alright, have it your way.” Jaemin leaves, and Renjun pays careful attention to the sound of his feet against the floor to make sure he wasn’t going to keep trying.

 

And there he goes again, pushing people away when all they want to do is try to help him. He can’t accept any of the good things that come toward him because he’s so terrified of it being temporary. That if he keeps having a breakdown over the same problem, the people he’d been getting support from would eventually leave him. It would be far worse to be supported and to lose that than to never be supported and not have any support to miss. At least, that’s what he’d always thought his mentality should be.

 

He hates that he’s like this, but he doesn’t truly see any way around it, no way to fix this aggressive and deep self-inflicted punishment that he doesn’t need to be cared for because he’s only ever disappointed.

 

“Jun-gē?” His shoulders go taut, and he rolls over onto his side to stare at the door. It couldn’t possibly be Chenle. Maybe it was Jeno or Jisung – he and Chenle had been teaching them Mandarin, so maybe they thought that if they talked to him in it, he’d respond. But the tones were more fluid than what he’d heard from either of them, and even though he doesn’t want to believe it –

 

“What’s wrong, gē?” The continued flow of Mandarin almost has Renjun crying – for no reason other than he’s so overwhelmed to hear his native tongue. It’s been a while since he’s been able to speak it comfortably, without the expectation of speaking Korean for his members and local fans. “I know sometimes you get overwhelmed, but you’ve never really shut us out completely. At least, you’ve never shut Jaemin out completely. I don’t know why he thought I’d have any luck with you if he couldn’t get you to come out.” Chenle laughs a little to himself, which sounds muted through the door. Renjun slowly lifts himself up from his bed, trying to keep the mattress from squeaking, and walks over to the door and sits down in front of it. The floorboard creaks a little under him, and Chenle’s laugh cuts off like he’s holding his breath.

 

“Was that you, gē?” Renjun doesn’t say anything. “Well, I hope it was. Ha, how do I even know you’re listening to me? You could be listening to music with your headphones or you could be asleep. There’s no guarantee that creak even came from your room. Maybe Jisung accidentally stepped on that one floorboard in the living room.” Renjun knows of the one that he’s talking about, the one board between the couch and the doorway of the kitchen that Jisung and Jeno always manage to step on despite knowing very well that it’s there. In spite of his own reservations, he feels a small smile curve along his lips.

 

“Anyway, uh. We don’t want you to be upset, gē. If it’s something one of us did, then you should tell us. If it’s something that made you uncomfortable, then you need to tell us so that we don’t do it again. It’s a two-way road, gē.” Chenle sounds very adamant as he starts advising him on how he should be handling the situation if one of them is the problem, and it’s good advice and everything, but it’s not the right advice. He can’t stop Chenle, though, because that would mean revealing his situation.

 

“So I’ve been sitting here for eight minutes talking to myself and I haven’t heard a word from you, gē. Usually, you have a lot of opinions to share. I guess you’re really upset, huh.” It sounds vaguely bittersweet when Chenle says that, and Renjun feels bad enough for keeping Chenle in the dark that he leans forward, lightly knocks on the door, and then sits back. “Ah! So you are listening. Well, that’s good. I hope I helped you a little, even if it wasn’t much. I’m not very good at this, but I wanted to try for you, gē, because it feels like you’re slipping away from me. We don’t talk as much anymore, and when we do, you never stick around for long. These past three weeks have been the most that I’ve managed to get out of you since we debuted.”

 

“Why does it matter to you?” Renjun finally asks, voice rough from the effort of refusing to cry for almost a half hour now. “You seemed perfectly content keeping away from me.”

 

“Gē, why would you even think that? I thought that I was too immature for you and that you had better people to spend your time with.” Renjun couldn’t help the strangled laugh that Chenle’s words cause.

 

“That’s hilarious,” he wheezes. “There’s no way Hyuck and Jaemin are more mature than you.” Chenle sounds defensive from the other side of the door, trying to argue that, “age typically means more maturity, so what else would I assume, gē?” It sends Renjun into even more laughter, and the tears that escape him are a mixture of happiness and pain. “You’re so stupid, Lele. There’s no reason I wouldn’t want you around me.”

 

“So then why haven’t you opened this door yet?” Chenle’s voice is teasing, and logically, Renjun knows this. But there’s something in it that makes him recoil from the easy heart-to-heart they’d just had and want to hide away in himself. Because there’s a reason he doesn’t want to face Chenle, and it has everything to do with his almost breakdown. He must have stayed quiet for too long because Chenle speaks up again. “I’m sorry, gē. I don’t mean to force you to do anything. I guess I’m just worried about you.”

 

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Renjun whispers, bringing his knees up to his chest and curling in on himself. “I didn’t mean to. I just.” He just – what? Got jealous of something he had no reason being jealous of? “I’m scared,” is what he decides on.

 

“What are you scared of?”

 

“That’s a loaded question,” he jokes, trying to hide the tremor of his voice. “I–I’m scared of not being enough, I guess. Jeno and Jaemin, you and Jisung, hell, even Mark and Hyuck. You all have this easy friendship that’s so loving and easy and I’m scared I’ll never have that because I can’t be a friend like you guys. I’m not super touchy because I’m afraid of being rejected, and I wouldn’t say I have the same type of friendship that you guys have with anyone else. It’s stupid how I feel like this, and I wish I didn’t. I’m worried that I’ll always be too afraid of losing someone to ever properly love them and.” He cuts himself off, exhaling heavily. “Yeah. I’m just scared.”

 

Chenle stays quiet for a bit, and Renjun thinks he must have, at the very least, weirded him out, if not scared him off entirely. But after a minute of silence, he speaks again. “Gē, please open up. I don’t think we should keep talking about this with the door in between us.” Logically, Renjun knows that he’s right. So, reluctantly, he stands up to unlock the door and let Chenle in. Not two seconds after Renjun turned to face him after locking the door, Chenle is hugging him, tight and full of aggressive reassurance, and the shock that forces him to tense up dissipates quickly enough that he’s able to tentatively hug Chenle back.

 

“You should’ve said something,” Chenle mumbles into the fabric of his sweatshirt, and Renjun smiles self-deprecatingly.

 

“I would have worried you guys for no reason.”

 

“It’s not ‘for no reason’ if it’s eating you up like this, Jun-gē.” Renjun runs his hands through Chenle’s hair absently, standing in silence and soaking up Chenle’s presence. “If I’d known–”

 

“–It doesn’t matter, Lele. I wouldn’t have let you take out time from your other friendships or your time to yourself to be with me.” Chenle pulls back enough to see his face and frowns.

 

“Gē, you can’t say that about yourself. If I made any new friends, I would have to redistribute my time so that no one would feel left out. What makes you think you don’t deserve that?”

 

To be completely honest, he didn’t have anything to say. It hadn’t really occurred to him to think of it like that. The way he’d always envisioned it in his mind, forcing a friend to make room in their life for you was almost like forcing your friendship altogether, and that’s what he’d ran with since he was old enough to recognize his own intrusive thoughts.

 

“You deserve so much, gē. I wish I’d seen it earlier.”

 

This is the part where Renjun gets his act together and gets over his crush on Chenle. At least, it should be. Chenle has spent the past ten minutes telling him that he deserves so much more from a friend, and then goes to say he wishes he could’ve taken that role earlier. It’s an obvious sign that Chenle doesn’t see him that way, but Renjun’s never been good at taking cues.

 

“I don’t think of you as a friend, though,” he says, eyes shifting to look at everything except Chenle’s face, which he’s sure must look shocked and distressed. “Most of the time, when I think of you, I think about your hands and how they would fit in mine, and I think about your eyes and how much they seem to shine.” He extracts himself from Chenle’s grip, which had loosened considerably and swallows nervously, heading toward his bed to sit down and to give him a moment to collect himself.

 

“I think about your hair and how nice it would feel to run my hands through it, and I think about your lips and.” His voice cracks strangely, as if his brain had finally caught up with his mouth and was raging at it for doing something so stupid as to tell Chenle how he felt about him. “And I think about how soft they would be. Lele, I like you, a lot, but. But it’s not as a friend. And I’m sorry I had to pull my feelings into this when all you wanted was to help me feel better, and I probably just messed up everything between us, and–” Chenle steps forward, just once, and Renjun’s mouth snaps shut.

 

“Jun-gē, I think you should let someone else talk every once in a while.” His face is stoic but he’s still got that teasing undertone. “You were rambling.” Chenle continues forward until he’s standing in front of Renjun on his bed, and then he sits down next to him. “Maybe if you’d let me say something, you would’ve found out you hadn’t ruined anything. Maybe, you would’ve found out that I feel the same.” He smiles cheekily after that, and Renjun continues to stare at him, speechless. “So, Jun-gē, now that I’ve heard you talk poetics about me, how about I return the favor?”

 

“When you sing, it’s like the stars light up for you. When you smile, I think an angel has descended on our poor world. When you laugh, I swear a faerie is born. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about your lips either, gē. You look like you give the sweetest kisses.” Renjun’s embarrassment manifests in a squeak when Chenle says the last part. He ducks to hide his face, but Chenle giggles and lifts his head up gently with his hands. They’re soft, he thinks absently, before registering how close they’ve gotten.

 

“So,” he says nervously, “what do we do now? I’ve never confessed to someone before, so I’m not sure what comes after this.”

 

“I think this is the part where you kiss me, Jun-gē.” The blush that colors his cheeks after Chenle suggests that causes the younger to laugh, and Renjun pouts.

 

“Hey, don’t laugh at me!” And Chenle may say that he has a smile like an angel, but Renjun would be quick to argue that Chenle’s was even more heavenly. “Besides, shouldn’t I ask you out on a date first? That’s proper etiquette.”

 

“Are you really worried about ‘proper etiquette’ when I just asked you to kiss me?” Renjun shrugs, and more mirth fills Chenle’s voice. “So maybe you should listen to me, huh, gē? You know, maknae on top and all that.” Renjun takes him in, smile dazed and eyes soft.

 

“Can I really kiss you?” he asks. His eyes still sparkle mischievously, like the stars Chenle was so adamant on comparing him to. He could stare at him for ages and never get tired.

 

“Of course, gē.”

 

STEP 8: KISS HIM AND ACCEPT THAT YOUR LIFE IS A SERIES OF CLICHÉS

 

It feels like forever before Renjun feels his lips touch Chenle’s, and they’re just as soft as he thought they would be. He doesn’t get very intense, keeps it to just a slight brush and push, just enough to let Chenle know that he’s there, before pulling back.

 

“I think we need to work on your kissing, gē,” Chenle hums, thinking in mock concentration. “I think I’d only give that three stars.” Renjun snorts at Chenle’s antics and flicks his nose.

 

“Shut up, Lele, I didn’t want to go too far. You are still a minor, after all,” he smirks, letting his smug expression settle and watching Chenle gasp, affronted.

 

“That’s a low blow, gē! I can’t believe you’d say that.”

 

“Aw, look at my cute little Lele,” Renjun coos, pinching Chenle’s cheeks lightly until his hands get batted away. His sharper smile softens and he goes back to admiring Chenle, unconsciously biting his lip. “Did you know how absolutely beautiful you are?”

 

It’s Chenle’s turn to blush, and Renjun finds that he likes how it looks on him. “Gē,” he whines, much like the child Renjun teases him to be. “You can’t make me fall for you even more. I might not be able to get back up.”

 

“That sounds perfect, actually. I’ll get to catch you and pick you up every single time.” He hopes he sounds as smooth as he thinks, and the surprise on Chenle’s face was evidence enough.

 

“Gē, I didn’t know you could be this flirty.” Renjun snickers and wraps his arms around Chenle, sighing contentedly.

 

“Neither did I, Lele. You just happen to make me a sap.”

 

Chenle hums. “Are you going to make good on that date offer?”

 

“We’ll have to be discreet about it, but I would love to.” When Chenle gives him one more sunny, beautiful smile, Renjun thinks that maybe he can stuff a sock in his anxiety’s mouth – just for today, of course. He’ll have to face it eventually, but at least then he’ll have Chenle to help him.

 

If Renjun could manage to fall in love and get a boyfriend despite his insecurities telling him it was a hopeless cause, he could handle anything they threw at him. All it would take is a supportive squeeze from Chenle, maybe even a chaste kiss on the cheek, and he’d be ready.


End file.
